Wretched Hero
by EmilytheSlayer
Summary: She's a hero you see. A hero that has died twice to save the world.A hero that tried to kill her friends to reclaim her sanity. A broken hero. Buffy Summers deals with the aftermath of the night she tried to kill her friends. Then Spike finds her on the bathroom floor, on the wall written in blood are the words "I'm sorry". What caused Buffy to do this? What drove her?
1. Sorry

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Author's note: Here it is, another BTVS Fanfiction! Now, this takes place after "Normal again" if you're a fan of Buffy but you've only seen up to season 5 or your only on season 1,2,3, or 4 and plan on watching more, don't read this! It may contain spoilers… readers beware; this may get a little interesting.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

_The Magic Box was too loud. Everyone was arguing and screaming, and there was no slayer to shut them up. "Addicted to the misery isn't she?" Spike thought. "Drowning in her ocean of darkness after what happened when she went all loony on us."_

_Bollocks. The slayer was driving him mad. Even a month after the "incident" she's still shutting herself out from everyone. She shut out her friends, her watcher, and even her sister._

_She would only talk to them when she needed something, or when she had to. She spoke very little at Scooby meetings; she hardly spoke to her sister. She only did to remind the little bit to do her homework, or go to bed, or brush her teeth. How could Buffy be so obnoxious! So ignorant! _

_That was it. Spike had enough of this "act" from Buffy. He was going to set this bloody slayer straight, and if it meant biting or snogging her, so be it. He'd lose his sanity if he didn't._

_Spike headed towards the summers residence, shaking his head and mumbling. He couldn't believe he was doing this. Helping the slayer. The girl he tried to kill when she was in high school, the girl who hated him. He was a Vampire for goodness sake! And she was the Slayer! But, then, he had this odd feeling. That feeling you get when you find something attractive. That feeling you get when you get all warm and swell up when you see someone. Love. And he was going to help the slayer, because he was in love with her._

_When he reached the front door he noticed that the door was unlocked. Whoever came in here didn't decide to lock the door. "Never invite anyone in, especially if they're a vampire," Buffy would say. Mostly to Dawn. "Because a vampire can only come in if they're invited." Angel was invited, Spike was invited, even Harmony and her minions, but of course, that was by accident. Buffy would be smart enough not to invite a vampire in…_

_But the smell of her blood crashed down on him and he thought otherwise. There goes the stereotypical dumb blonde moment._

"_Wonder if the vampire was handsome" Spike thought. "Then she definitely would've invited him in…"_

_He raced up the stairs, following her scent and stood outside the bathroom door. The quietness in the bathroom made him uneasy, he heard no movement. He reached out towards the doorknob to open up the door. It wouldn't turn. He shook the doorknob but it was useless, he didn't have any super strength, unlike Buffy, so he couldn't break open the door. He decided to try something else. He stuck one foot behind him, the other in front and leaped at the door, slamming his body against it._

_It didn't budge._

"_Come on, Slayer! Open up!" Spike growled. He continued to slam his body against the door, which resulted to very little effect. Spike stopped and backed up. He was going to kick it open. Spike braced himself, and then he charged at the door and flung out his leg. The heel of his shoe slammed against the lock and broke it, and the door flew open._

_For a vampire that must've attacked someone, Spike suspected the bathroom to look trashed. Instead the bathroom looked rather clean. Except for the numerous amount of pills and drugs scattered across the floor, the empty bottles of alcohol, and the droplets of blood leading right up to the body…_

"_Buffy!"_

_Spike leaped forwards in front of Buffy. He kneeled on the ground and rested her head on his knee. He grabbed her wrist and felt for a pulse. He felt nothing._

"_Oh bloody hell, slayer"_

_Spike knew what he had to do. He had to do CPR, and then force her to throw up the alcohol and pills running through her system and then take her to a hospital. Or take her to a hospital after the CPR… he shook his head. He'll choose what to do with her and where to take her after she starts to breathe again. He rested her head on the floor, opened her mouth and leaned in to breathe into it, but then stopped. He had no breath. He is a vampire. Vampires don't have breath._

"_Bloody hell!" he screamed. He jumped up and ran out of the bathroom looking for the phone. He was going to call the Magic Box, and whoever answered was going to come over and help. Unless it's Dawn, then he'll ask from someone else. He picked up the phone and dialed the number._

_Who knew how long Buffy had been like that? With the alcohol and the pills running through her system now, possibly shutting down her organs… he needed to help her. She didn't have to die a third time._

_Someone picked up the phone on the other line._

"_This is the Magic Box, how may I help you?"_

_Spike let out a sigh of relief_

"_Giles?"_

"_Spike?" Giles responded, rather surprised. "Um, why are-are you calling?"_

"_It's Buffy. There's been an… accident. Come here quickly"_

"_Buffy is she-?"_

"_She's about to die, Rupert. So move your bloody ass!" Spike slammed the phone into the receiver and ran back upstairs. Good, someone was coming. Someone that actually had breath…_

_He ran back to Buffy's body, and held her hand. She was cold. He let go of her hand and decided to clean the bathroom a little bit; the poor old watcher didn't need to see everything. Spike placed the bottles in a cupboard, and kicked the pills elsewhere, which didn't help but he didn't care. Well, he tried to clean it. At least he made some effort._

_Someone knocked on the door. The watcher was here. Spike ran down the stairs and swung open the door. The watcher looked terribly frightened when he saw the look on Spike's face._

"_Where's Buffy?" He asked. Waiting for a response from Spike. Instead he was being dragged up the stairs and inside the bathroom. Giles found the body on the floor and rushed to it. He leaned in, to breathe into her mouth, and then he placed his hands on her chest and began to pump them._

"_1…2…3…4…5"_

_He leaned in again and breathed in her mouth. And pumped them again._

"_6…7…8…9…10"_

_Spike watched him work away, trying to revive his slayer. He noticed the tears in the watchers eyes. As Giles was pumping away, something caught Spike's attention. There, on the wall, written in blood, were the words "I'm sorry"._

_1 month earlier_


	2. Discovery

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Author's note: I hope you enjoyed that first little chapter. Hopefully it left you with your mouth hanging open, or something that would represent you was surprised or shocked. Cause I know I was! That made little and no sense… maybe I was just being bias. ANYWAYS! Enough about that… Thanks for the follows and the reviews. Stay tuned! And find out what happened to Buffy! I promise you, there will be some Spuffy… I mean, wasn't there some in the first chapter already? I'm just babbling now… so please, continue reading and enjoy!**

**Buffysummersbot:** Of course... you ended on a cliffhanger... :( I need more! Until you add another chapter I'm going to read this, "Once more with feeling!"

**Me: **Well BSB, May I call you that? It's short for Buffysummersbot… anyways…. cliffhangers keep the readers interested! Well thank you and- oh hahahaha! I see what you did there… now let me just "Walk through the fire" and do the second chapter! Okay I don't think that made any sense whatsoever

**Evilbuffyfan4eva:** Carry on, I have been waiting for a fic like this for so long! Loving it!

**Me:** Why thank you! You know, I just thought to myself "I'm gonna write something…. Based off of Normal again…and it will be a Spuffy thing…. And it will be intense…and dramatic…." And so this little story came along.

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

Everyone has his or her secrets. Everyone can be a hero. But not everyone can be the slayer. Being the slayer was a secret Buffy had to keep from everyone when she was chosen. It was said, in the Slayer Handbook, that all Slayers must keep their identities a secret. Kendra had told her that, since Buffy never actually read the handbook. But, Buffy never listened to that. She felt she worked well with others. And so, in came the Slayerettes! (As Willow liked to call them) It started out just the four of them. Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles.

After they defeated the Master, in came, Cordelia and Oz. And so, they became The Scooby Gang. Where they solved mysteries and stopped the big bads. Each year there were new villains they had to face. The Master, Angelus, The Mayor, Adam, Glory, and the Trio.

Some were terribly difficult to defeat but in the end the Scooby gang always won. Buffy Summers saved the world, A lot. She died, twice, to save the world. And then she came back. She began her new life having to claw her way out of her own coffin. Clawing through the dirt. Gasping for air. A traumatizing experience that she would never forget.

And she'd never been the same since then.

Everyday she'd tried to snap out of it, figure out why she's like that. Why she's such a mess. Why she came back. Why did she come back? Why did people care so much? Hadn't she done enough? She just created problems and chaos, with her slaying and everything, letting people get killed…

Faith almost killed someone.

She did kill someone.

And, Buffy tried to kill her friends to reclaim her sanity. The doctor told her to get rid of the things that kept her going back. She could've been with her mom, her dad. They would've been together

_Like they used to be_

But she chose to stay in Sunnydale. Her friends, her watcher, her sister… they were all there, in Sunnydale and she had to stay with them, she had to protect them. She had to save the world – _again_.

She hated her friends for pulling her out of heaven and placing her in hell. She hated having to save the world. She hated the hellmouth. She hated being the slayer. She hated herself. She hated being back. She wanted to be dead. She had enough of this slayer business, of saving the world over and over again. But she couldn't escape the glares from her friends, her sister, she couldn't escape hell, she was trapped.

Would she have been freed from hell if she chose the other reality? The reality where her mom was alive? Where her parents were together? Where she was just a normal girl, and didn't have to deal with being the slayer?

She could've been normal… she could've killed her friends…

She almost did.

And she was sorry.

She felt extremely sorry, she felt terrible.

_Mom? Mommy?_

Buffy wanted someone to hold her, to tell her it'll be all right. She wanted to lie in her mother's arms and just lie there, for the rest of her life. She wanted to lie with her mother in her coffin. She wanted to die again…

Buffy Summers sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the wall. She'd been in that position for the past hour. She didn't feel like doing anything else… not after what happened. She still had the sound of Dawn's scream and plea for help while Buffy was trying to kill her, etched in the back of her mind, along with everyone else's screams.

Who knew she could be so dangerous? Who knew she would harm her friends? Surely, no one did. No one suspected Buffy to do something like that, something so terrifying.

As terrifying as that event was, whenever Buffy stepped foot in her house she sensed everyone's fear. When she touched someone she sensed their fear. She hated the looks she received. Sometimes she wondered, on the days were everyone was happy and no one feared her, if she were imagining it. If she was imagining the fact that everyone was being scared. But she wasn't. She remembered that day…

"I tried to kill them" she said, her voice sounding hoarse and cracked. Her throat was dry. She couldn't eat nor drink. Not after what happened.

She lost some weight in the past week.

Dawn always encouraged her to eat something; she'd buy two Doublemeat Medley's and say the cashiers _accidentally _gave her another one, then give the extra one to Buffy. Or they'd sit in front of Buffy and stare at her until she had a bite of something, which Buffy though was extremely irritating. Sometimes she would get a sudden urge to punch all of them in the face, or, if she felt very violent and angry, dig into their stomachs and rip our their intestines. But she tried her best to push the urges aside and calm herself. And with all of the anger inside of her, from the constant "babysitting" by her friends, it was exhausting.

Sighing she decided to head downstairs, knowing that her absence might alarm her friends. Slowly she opened her bedroom door, walked hesitantly through the hallway and stopped on the first step of the stairway. Her hand clutched onto the railing, shaking. She was panicking again. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

At least she wasn't angry… or else she'd be blocking the stairway and looking like an idiot standing there, doing nothing but breathing in and out while shaking, trying to control all of that anger, to keep her from throwing a crazy tantrum. If they found her standing, doing nothing while shaking on top of the stairs, they'd think she was having some type of seizure, or panic attack and take her to the hospital. She hated hospitals… and after what happened… she hated them even more.

"It's going to be okay," she told herself. "It's going to be okay"

She repeated that over and over again until she felt calm enough to continue walking down the stairs. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she wasn't expecting to find everyone there, staring at her.

Buffy pretended to let out a shaky laugh. To be honest, she didn't care if she was in trouble, she just didn't care. Emotions didn't seem to show on Buffy, except for when she was having a breakdown in front of you, or when she was alone and screaming in pain and sorrow, or, you know, having one of her angry urges to kill someone.

So, if she was in trouble, she didn't care.

"What, am I grounded or something?" she asked them.

Giles and Willow exchanged glances then held out a sheet of paper, with Buffy's handwriting on it. It was a letter. It was one of her drafts of a suicide note…

Buffy, feeling a sudden wave of nausea crash down on her shakily snatched the note out of Giles's hand. Anger suddenly boiled in her chest then fear slowly started to wrap itself around her.

"Where… where did you…you get this?" she asked them her voice shaking slightly with anger, as she tried to control her emotions.

"We found them in your room" Willow responded.

"Without my permission?" She shouted, almost hysterical. " Oh, so does this mean I can just walk into your room and look for things? Take things without telling you?"

She laughed hysterically. "How dare you, all of you! How dare you think you could just walk into my room and go through my personal belongings? Hell, you even decided to look through my trash to find these!" She waved the paper at them.

"Are you worried I might go crazy and try and kill you? Trust me, I won't. I'm over that reality. But I guess none of you think that, I see how you all look at me, fear in your eyes, when I walk towards you! You probably hate me as much as we all hate Spike! Or do you prefer Spike because he didn't go all bat-shit crazy and try to kill all of you? Oh, well I guess all of you forgot something to…

He tried to kill me, he tried to kill all of us, remember? High school? Huh, I guess not… No one cares about Spike, it's all about Buffy. Buffy killed this demon, Buffy is depressed, Buffy, Buffy, Buffy! Buffy tried to kill us so let's all be scared of her!"

She was shouting, all of her anger just came pouring out of her and she made no use in hiding it. All of her emotions just came piling and piling onto her, she screamed at her friends.

She ripped up the paper, her tears splattering onto her hands, and threw it on the ground. Everyone stared at her, watched as she screamed in rage, pain and sorrow, they watched as she kneeled onto the floor and cradled her head in her hands.

They continued to watch when Buffy went silent.

Dawn, very slowly, walked towards her sister. She rested a hand on Buffy's shoulder and kneeled down in front of her. Buffy's dirty blonde hair hung in front of her face, blocking her view.

"Buffy?" Dawn said.

She didn't get an answer. Dawn tried again,

"Buffy?"

No answer.

Suddenly her hand shot up and grabbed Dawn's wrist, squeezing it tightly. Everyone stepped forward, getting ready to tackle Buffy if she hurt Dawn. A look of innocence flashed in Buffy's eyes. She wore a child-like expression. Her eyes full of unshed tears.

"Dawnie? P-please don't l-leave me…"

Dawn stared at her sister, then brushed her sister's hair out of her face. Her eyes bored into Buffy's and she pulled her into a hug.

"Promise not to leave me, and I won't" she whispered.

The rest of the Scooby gang continued to stare at the two siblings. Deeply thinking about Buffy's speech.

Giles backed away from the group and walked into the hallway where he could be alone. He couldn't believe it, Buffy feeling this way. He surely wasn't expecting to find the letters. He remembered reading the ones addressed to him over and over again, before deciding to show this to everyone else. He knew it was wrong, showing something that was Buffy's without her permission, but he needed to help her. He hated watching her suffer.

And then he heard a voice, a voice so familiar all of his thoughts about Buffy slipped away from his mind and were replaced by one thought, _Oh dear lord, why now?_

He walked back to the room where the two siblings were sitting on the floor, holding each other, and where the Scooby gang was busy looking at the guest that barged into the house.

"May I ask, what the bloody hell is going on?" Spike said, clearly confused.


	3. Trusting the Vampire

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Author's note: Well, Spike finally made an appearance! So what do you guys think? What do you think about Buffy so far? I hope you all like it! Please, continue reading, reviewing and following!**

**And I'm so sorry for the really long delay! It's just; I've been so busy with everything! I mean, there's homework, and auditions, and family stuff…. Life's hard, y'know? **

**Buffysummersbot: **Yay! Spike makes an appearance! (Again) :D

The part with Buffy's breakdown really got me. I think seeing Buffy like this in the show would've been interesting. Or an episode that kind of focused on Normal again, like, afterwards. This is really good. I was surprised about the suicide letter part

**Me: **I'm glad you liked it. Yes, I totally agree. And that's why I wrote this…

**Evilbuffyfan4eva: **Great chapter. I love the emotion you are putting into this. It's sparking so many thoughts into my head. Loving it! Can't wait for more.

**Me: **Why thank you! Glad you like it!

**ValerieStrong: **Sad :( Very good beginning.

It reads like you have experienced this or witness it yourself with a loved one.

Where it concerns CPR Buffy's head and neck would have be laid on the floor, straightened out, to help clear the passage way, so the air goes straight in and out. Not on someone's knees while CPR is being done. It could cause breathing problems for her, later on. Unless later in the story, they learn the CPR was done.

**Me: **No I haven't experienced anything like that… and whoops that's my bad….

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

_He walked back to the room where the two siblings were sitting on the floor, holding each other, and where the Scooby gang was busy looking at the guest that barged into the house._

"_May I ask, what the bloody hell is going on?" Spike said, clearly confused._

Everyone stared with their mouths hanging open. All was silent, except for the cries of Buffy and Dawn's comforting.

Spike's eyes landed on the two sisters. Xander suddenly jumped to his feet and held out his hands in defense.

"What're you doing here, Spike? You here to hurt us, is that it? Knowing Buffy's all – crying and stuff, you think you could just barge in and-" he was cut off by a very strong hand wrapped around his throat. He stared, eyes widened, at Spike who was staring at him. Anger filled his eyes.

"Y'know" he began, than laughed. "I could suck you dry, Harris. So dry, that if I touched you, you'd crack. But you know why I don't?"

Xander shook his head violently, the anger in him drifting away and being replaced by fear.

"Because it's wrong. And since it's wrong, I won't. So, if you think about what I just said, real hard, you'd piece together something a little like, 'Spike's here to help. Not to bloody kill people'. You understand what I'm saying, Harris?" Spike said, and leaned in closer, he was nose to nose with Xander now.

Xander, who was shaking, nodded. Spike nodded and let go of Xander's throat. He nodded slightly to himself, remembering what Buffy said to him two years ago.

"_Because it's wrong"_

He sounded just like her when he was talking to Xander. Except, minus the sexual part. He turned to face the rest of the Scooby gang.

"I'm pretty sure, Harris, and the rest of you, lot, has gotten my message, yeah? I'm not here to kill. I'm here to help, and remember, chip in the head!" He pointed to the back of his head.

"Now" he continued, when no one was answering him. "What the bloody hell is going on?" he asked the question again. Finally, someone gathered up the courage to answer him. (He still didn't understand what else he had to do to gain their trust. He has a freaking chip in his head, so he can't hurt anyone. He helps the little bit and he joined the Scooby gang . . . what else does he have to do, a bloody dance? Gallop and skip and sing around the house sucking on a lollipop? What bloody thing did he have to do to gain their trust and prove to them that he just wants to help!)

He waited for their response, but instead, someone shoved a piece of paper in his hands. He flattened out the crumpled paper and held it out in front of him. It was addressed to him, _well that's new_ he thought. Then he realized it was a letter from Buffy. He recognized her handwriting. His eyes quickly scanned the letter; he was too surprised to say anything.

His eyes shifted back and forth between Buffy and the letter.

He didn't want to cry in front of the gang, so, instead, he decided to be angry. No wonder she felt suicidal! No wonder she thought this was hell! With all the violence, the rage, the noise… Heaven must've been peaceful… no wonder she wanted to go back… but why would she want to leave? Her sister? Her friends? The little bit needed her…

He sharply turned to Buffy and threw the piece of paper at her, he heard everyone gasp. Spike didn't know what else to do, he already had his moment of yelling at the gang and he didn't want them to see him cry, so he did a stupid thing but knew it was too late to stop. So he decided to stay angry.

He saw Buffy flinch and look up. Her body was shaking; her eyes filling with unshed tears. She was so weak now. 2 years ago he would've laughed his bloody ass off and beat her to death, but now, looking at her, he couldn't find the humor within the whole idea of her being weak. Not after what she'd been through.

Buffy stared at him, horror in her eyes. Dawn jumped up and pointed a finger at Spike.

"Spike!" she shouted. She started to rush forward, getting ready to pounce on him, but was immediately pulled back by Buffy, who was slowly getting up. Her letter to him was clutched in her hand. She whispered something to Dawn then turned back to face Spike.

Dawn backed away against the wall. Spike grinned at Buffy. " So, Slayer. Is this your grand plan then? To stop the Trio, by killing yourself? Do you have any idea what damage it would do? To the world, your friends, your sister?" He screamed at her. Suddenly all this anger felt rather comforting, and he continued. Maybe he could prove himself good if he convinced Buffy not to end her life. Amazing, really, what one letter could do.

Buffy just stood there. She didn't say a word.

He suddenly calmed down. He put on a warm smile and walked closer to Buffy. "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. You said it, yeah? So don't make it harder by deciding to end it all. Trust me, I've been living in this world longer than you, but I've managed to survive. How? 'Cause I had something worth living for, something I had to protect. And you, Buffy, you have something worth living for"

He walked closer to her and placed his hands on her waist.

"You have a destiny you need to fulfill. You've got a mouth of hell that you need to seal shut, you've got 3 pathetic nerds to defeat, and friends and family that will help you whenever they can. You've got a life worth living, Buffy." He stroked her tears away and smiled when he saw one end of her lip curl into the form of a half-smile.

The rest of the Scooby gang just stood there, shocked. Dawn walked away from the wall and up to Spike. "Thanks" she whispered to him.

"No problem. Now take your sis upstairs"

Dawn nodded then took Buffy's hand and led her upstairs. Spike waited until he heard the sound of a door being shut, and turned to face everyone, getting ready for the insults.

Anya suddenly began applauding him, the rest of the Scoobies joined in, which surprised Spike. He could sense Xander's sarcasm in his claps. Giles walked up to Spike and awkwardly placed a hand on Spike's shoulder.

"I can't believe I'm saying this to you, but thanks."

Spike nodded. "Well, Watcher, you do know that that wasn't the last time she'll ever do this. Sure, my somewhat heartwarming speech to Buffy might've giving her a small morale boost, but that doesn't mean it won't stop her. A person just doesn't wake up someday and stops feeling suicidal. You've got to give her time." He turned to face everyone else.

"All of you just give her time."


	4. Time

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

"_I can't believe I'm saying this to you, but thanks." _

_Spike nodded. "Well, Watcher, you do know that that wasn't the last time she'll ever do this. Sure, my somewhat heartwarming speech to Buffy might've giving her a small morale boost, but that doesn't mean it won't stop her. A person just doesn't wake up someday and stops feeling suicidal. You've got to give her time." He turned to face everyone else._

"_All of you just give her time."_

Time. They kept giving her time, and she used it to shut herself out, to isolate herself, to avoid whatever it was they were planning to do. Trying to follow Spike's advice was something Xander wasn't so fond of, but if it meant helping Buffy than he'd do it.

Xander watched and waited for Buffy to make a move on them, to yell at them, to talk to them, to sit with them, to do something. Anything to tell them that she trusted them enough to come out of her shell and be with them.

But no, she just stayed in her room; she shut off her lights, shut her windows and closed the curtains.

Days passed and she didn't make any move. Xander decided to walk by her room and see what she was up to. He carefully scanned the house checking for Dawn or any other member of the household, making sure they didn't see him, and headed up the stairs. When he arrived at the front of her door he heard whispers, _her _whispers. His hands started to shake; the sound of her whispering made him think she'd gone insane, again.

What was he going to find in there when he opened the door? Xander pushed away any thoughts about finding a crazy psychotic killer in the room, and his fear aside.

He reached out for the doorknob, his hands shaking, and slowly turned it, making a small opening to peek into the dark room. The smell of blood and sweat suddenly dawned upon him, making him gag. He pushed the door fully open. He had to blink a few times to let his eyes adjust to the darkness. Once they did, he could finally see what was in front of him, and nearly threw up.

There, standing in front of him, was Buffy Summers.

_She looks like hell_ Xander thought. Buffy was extremely pale. Xander could see cuts on her arms, blood stained her clothes. Her hair was matted with sweat, sticking to her neck, her clothes hung loosely around her starved and skeletal body, circles as dark as bruises were under her eyes from having no sleep, and her _eyes_, those were what scared Xander the most.

Her eyes held no colour, no emotion, like she was dead. The eyes are supposed to be the window to the soul, but with her eyes, it was like she had no soul, that there was nothing to see through the open window but darkness. A chill ran down Xander's spine. He wanted to scream, to run away, the sight of her made him scared. He tried to move but couldn't, his fear made him paralyzed from his head all the way to his toes, nailing him to the floor. He glanced quickly down at his feet, just to make sure his feet weren't actually nailed to the floor. He saw, with relief, no nails. He let out a huge sigh and slowly lifted his head. His eyes met Buffy's dead ones and he gasped. It was even scarier to look into her eyes up close.

Suddenly her mouth opened and she said, in a cracked, dead voice, "I'm sorry, Xander.", She leaned in closer, her lips touching his ear, "I'm sorry that I'm such a mess." She laughed and backed away from him.

"I'm sorry that I'm so fucked up!" she screamed, tears pouring down her face.

Xander shook his head, too stunned to say or do anything. He was surprised when his mouth just started doing the talking.

"Buffy, people mess up all the time. I mean, look at me, I walked out on my own wedding! People can really screw up sometimes, and that's fine, that's _normal_."

Buffy suddenly stopped crying. Next thing Xander knew, his arms were pinned over his head, and Buffy was standing over him, a knife in hand.

"And I'm sorry that I killed you." She whispered, and dug the knife in Xander's chest.

Xander screamed.


	5. Monster

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

_Buffy suddenly stopped crying. Next thing Xander knew, his arms were pinned over his head, and Buffy was standing over him, a knife in hand._

"_And I'm sorry that I killed you." She whispered, and dug the knife in Xander's chest. _

_Xander screamed. _

His screams were the first thing she heard. Slamming down her bundle of cash she was counting, Anya grabbed Giles's wrist and dragged him towards the door, while telling him she just heard her lover scream in pain.

They left the Magic Box without phoning Dawn, who was busy over at Janice's place, or even telling Willow and Tara, who were too focused on eachother and their magic, to notice.

They didn't even bother to think about Spike.

Now the two of them stood outside of the Summers house. Anya scanned the area. Looking through the windows, she saw no movement. Maybe she was just imagining things.

Then she heard it. His screams of pain, chilling her to the bone and making her heart beat faster than ever before. She glanced at Giles, just to see if she didn't just hear that from her own mind.

He was staring right at her. So she wasn't crazy.

But that meant… oh no. Xander!

Anya and Giles sprinted up the steps of the house and, in synchrony, slammed their bodies against the door to open it, only to tumble onto the floor. Anya scrambled to her feet and found Giles sprawled out over the floor, moaning in pain. He must've tumbled to the ground a little too hard.

She moved forwards to help him, but suddenly the thought of Xander lying dead somewhere, with his insides ripped open by whatever demon was doing this, poked at her like a needle. There was no time to help Giles. She needed to get to Xander. And fast.

Anya raced up the stairs and stopped once she reached the top. She decided to move slower, so that she would be able, once she reached whatever room Xander was currently being stabbed in, to make out whatever demon or vampire that was in there.

She heard a moan coming from Buffy's room.

Xander must be in there. Hopefully with Buffy, who was hopefully helping him defeat whatever attacked him.

Anya stood at the doorway of Buffy's room, and her eyes landed on Xander's helpless body immediately. Then her eyes slowly moved towards the skeletal haunting figure standing above him, holding a knife, with blood dripping from the edge of it.

Buffy.

It was Buffy that stabbed him and made him scream.

Anya shook her head frantically. Gathering up her senses, she lunged towards Xander, ignoring Buffy, and embraced him in a hug. She kissed him on his cheek, his lips, his neck, his shoulder, and his arm. She kissed him until she felt satisfied enough to continue on with her rescue mission.

"Oh god, Xander," She whispered in his ear, pulling him close to her. "I'll get you out, don't you worry, Xander." She stroked his hair, and then stood up to face the monster that wore the face of Buffy Summers.

All he felt was pain. Screaming at his nerves, making his body go stiff. Pain was all he could think and feel. The fall was harder than he thought. His head must've bumped something hard, adding to the pain.

Giles slowly opened his eyes; his vision was blurry. He reached out for his glasses, found them with one lens cracked, just a small crack, thank god, and put them back on, clearing his vision. Finally he could make out his surroundings.

He was laying on the floor, hence the sideways perspective of Buffy's house. With all the strength he could muster, Giles pushed himself off the floor to stand, wincing at the pain all over his body. The room swayed before him but he shook his head and it returned to normal.

Giles suddenly remember Anya and what they were here for.

Xander.

He assumed Anya ran upstairs. Following his instincts, Giles headed upstairs. Fear gathered in his stomach, clenching it with all its might, making it harder for him to breathe. They couldn't lose Xander. He would fight and kill the demon or monster or utterly insane person that stabbed Xander. Giles heard voices coming from Buffy's room. Anya's voice he heard. Relief filled Giles and he ran into the room.

Relief and any positive hopeful feeling Giles had, slipped away instantly when he saw who hovered over Anya and Xander, the person- the _monster_\- that held the weapon that hurt Xander.

"You _monster_!" Anya yelled at the slayer.

Buffy tilted her head, her eyes locking with Anya's. There was no sign of Buffy in those eyes, no sign of life. It was empty, insanity seemed to be the only thing keeping her together, to keep her from breaking apart.

"What did I do?" Buffy's voice held a sweet child-like innocence to it, only to make her seem even more terrifying. The thought that she didn't know what she was doing scared Anya. This meant Buffy could stab anyone, friends and family, but not know.

Anya shook her head in disbelief. "You stabbed my husband, that's what!"

Something stirred inside Buffy's eyes, as if clearing away some of the insanity and adding life to them. Buffy shook her head, dropped the knife. It made a loud clang when it hit the floor, ringing throughout the room. Her hand went over her mouth; she mumbled something that sounded like, "I didn't know, oh god."

Anya stepped forward, very cautiously. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Giles standing in the doorway. Relief filled her and she raised her eyebrow to tell him to come in and grab Buffy, or help, at least.

She saw Giles move swiftly through the room. Before Buffy could break down, he wrapped his arms around the fragile slayer and turned her to face him. He would save his questions for later, right now he'll just have to help Buffy. Help mend her and fix her. Her body shook against him as she cried.

"Giles, we need to help Xander!" Anya said.

Giles nodded. He slowly unwrapped Buffy's arms and placed them at her sides. He cupped her chin in his hands and looked into her eyes, doing his best to communicate with her and tell her to stay put. Buffy gave him a small but distant nod. Giles looked at Anya, finally.

"Anya, go call Willow and Tara, tell them to come here with a first-aid kit-"

"We're not taking him to the hospital?" Anya cut in.

Giles shook his head. "No hospitals. I don't think we'd want to explain what happened," he sighed and continued. "As I was saying, Willow and Tara will grab the first-aid kit. We'll mend Xander, and then have a talk about what happened."

He looked at Buffy and frowned. She looked so small and fragile. He knew there was something seriously wrong with her, and knew it would take a very long time to fix her.

"What about Dawn?" Anya asked, turning Giles's attention to her.

He shook his head, and held his hands out, as if trying to stop a moving car from hitting him. "No, not Dawn. She wouldn't want to know Buffy did this. She's already busy worrying about everything else. She doesn't need another problem to add to her pile of many others. We'll wait to tell her."

Anya nodded, then moved as fast as she could to get the phone and call the two witches.

As Giles waited for Anya to make the call and for the two witches to arrive to help, he made his way towards Xander, and kneeled in front of him. He rested a hand on Xander's shoulder.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, calmly.

Xander smiled weakly, showing his bloody teeth. "Like I've been stabbed," He answered. "I feel great, Giles." He attempted to laugh but a cough came out instead.

Giles laughed for him. "Glad that you're still yourself and not dead."

"Well, I was close to being dead."

"But you aren't dead, and that's what matters. Anya is calling Willow and Tara. They're going to help fix you." Giles gave Xander a small smile.

Xander nodded and glanced at Buffy, who sat on the floor, legs pulled closely to her chest, her arms wrapped around them, rocking back and forth, whispering apologies. He motioned his head towards her.

"How is she?" he asked Giles, and grunted.

Giles sighed, shrugged and shook his head. He took off his glasses, looked down to wipe them, "I don't know", he answered, and put his glasses back on. He also looked at Buffy.

"I honestly don't know."

The two of them stared at her a while longer, both thinking about what had happened, what will happen. Anya's voice could be heard downstairs, along with Willow and Tara's. Giles faced Xander again.

"Xander, I need you to explain to me what happened between you and Buffy."

Xander nodded just as Willow, Tara and Anya rushed into the room.

"I'll tell you after the witches do their mojo and fix me."

**Author's Note: So, Xander's not dead! Did you guys really think I would kill him? I'm not **_**that **_**evil. Tell me what you think about this chapter and the story so far! Reviews are very welcome; they help keep me going!**


	6. Changing

**Wretched Hero**

**BTVS Fanfiction**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of the show! But if I did own it…. oh boy (****laughs devilishly****) JOSS IS BOSS!**

_Anya's voice could be heard downstairs, along with Willow and Tara's. Giles faced Xander again._

"_Xander, I need you to explain to me what happened between you and Buffy."_

_Xander nodded just as Willow, Tara and Anya rushed into the room._

"_I'll tell you after the witches do their mojo and fix me."_

Willow and Tara patched Xander up, and the rest of the Scoobies headed downstairs, leaving Buffy in her room. They didn't want to deal with her yet. Finally, Xander arrived downstairs with Willow and Tara helping him. Anya rushed forwards and pulled him into a hug.

"Oh, I thought I lost you!"

Xander smiled down at her. "Well, I'm here now."

Anya smiled and dug her face in Xander's chest. "If I lost you, no one would've been able to make me swell up with joy and passion to have such amazing sex."

Xander chuckled and patted Anya on the back. "An, I love you're enthusiasm with our passion for one another. And I love you."

Anya squealed with joy and squeezed Xander, hard. Xander grunted. Anya pulled away, mumbling "sorry". Xander walked over to the rest of the Scoobies and locked eyes with Giles.

Remembering what he told Giles before Willow and Tara fixed him; he nodded and cleared his throat.

"Um, so as you know, I was stabbed by Crazy Buffy." Okay, not his best opening for a serious explanation. He might as well have the words, "Captain Obvious" printed in bright red across his forehead.

Xander decided to start from the beginning. He told them of finding Buffy in her room, he described how she was and looked; he made sure to tell them about her eyes. He still shivered when he thought about them. He then told them what she said before she decided to stab him, and everything that happened afterwards, when Anya rushed in to save him, (he left out the part when she kissed him… that just seemed too personal to share), and when Buffy almost broke down, and Giles stopping her. When he finished explaining what happened, he expected millions of questions to attack him, but there was only silence, until Willow decided to talk.

"So, about Buffy's sudden switch in mood, and decision to have a break down, what do you think happened? I mean she seemed so determined to stab you and everyone else, but-"

"Like I said," Xander interrupted. "When Anya told her she just stabbed me, it was like something clicked inside of her, like she was just waking up from a trance."

Tara stepped forward. "Do you think she was in a trance? Someone was controlling her?"

"Who, though?" Willow asked.

Xander shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. "The Trio, maybe?"

A laugh came from behind them. "You're all either stupid or blind," a voice said from behind them. The Scoobies turned to face Spike, who was standing at the doorway. Anya must've forgotten to lock it when Willow and Tara arrived. Spike walked towards them.

"It seems someone forgot to lock the door. Thought I'd slip in for a nice visit, see how things are, and then I hear you lot talking about Buffy and a very fascinating story of her stabbing you, Harris." Spike smirked, looked at Xander for a second, and then looked at everyone else and continued.

"Isn't it obvious? The slayer has been _literally _dealing with the weight of the world on her shoulders, for almost 6 years now. When she was finally at peace, lying in her coffin, the weight was lifted. But it came crashing down on her, just a few months ago."

He began pacing back and forth between everyone, smiling when he saw all of the shocked expressions. "All of that pressure she had to deal with, all of your worries, stressing over Dawn, her relationship with me, just was too much for her. Insanity seemed to grasp her mind, cling onto her after her little episode a few weeks ago, causing her to snap."

"It wasn't the Trio that put a trance on her. It was just your stupid ignorance that made her snap and cause her to almost kill one of you." Spike put on a fake frown and glared at Xander. "Too bad she didn't succeed."

The Scoobies just stared back at him, too shocked and stunned to do anything. Once again, Spike struck them with his words from a speech about Buffy. It stunned them just how much he seemed to care about her, since he didn't have a soul, unlike Angel.

Spike didn't need a soul to love.

And he didn't need to bite people to cause them pain. Even though the chip in his brain took away his ability to feed on humans, he could cause pain through his words.

And he did just that to Buffy, and to the Scooby gang.

As well as to other demons and vampires. But those he could kill.

But he could hit Buffy; he could cause her pain both physically and mentally. Maybe that was why he loved her, cause he could hurt her, like she hurt him. They could be even, matched.

They could be the same. A pair. Together.

Is that what love is? Is that what insanity is? Is love supposed to drive others insane? Did Buffy snap cause she couldn't love? Cause she was in love? Cause she was in love with him?

Is that why she trusted him? Cause they were even with their insanity?

Is that why he suddenly cared about her?

He was changing. Spike knew it.

And then it hit him.

He was changing for her.

"Spike, are you in there?" Xander snapped his fingers in front of Spike's face.

Spike shook his head and glared at Xander. He grabbed Xander's wrist and pulled him in closer.

"Yes, I'm here. And if you don't quit your bloody snapping, I will rip your hands off to stop you." Spike shoved Xander away from him.

Xander nodded quickly and wiped his palms on his pants absently, backing away to Anya.

Giles stepped forward, with a very firm expression on his face. "Spike, if you have any intention to harm Buffy in the state she is in right now-"

Spike held out his hands, in a way of showing he isn't going to do anything.

"Hey, watcher, what am I going to do? I've already proved to you that I don't mean any harm, yeah? C'mon! Don't any of my speeches inspire you?"

"How could your speeches inspire us? You were just blaming us for Buffy stabbing Xander!" Anya yelled at Spike, pointing a finger at him. "Only a dumb evil person could be inspired by your speeches. Probably inspired to kill us."

Willow crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "That's probably why they called you William the Bloody, not only for your awful poetry but also for your awful speeches."

Spike flared his nostrils at Willow and gave her the most evil glare he could muster.

"Shut up, Red."

"Hey!" Tara began, but Giles held up his hands.

"Enough!" He screamed at them. He turned to face Spike.

"Yes, Spike. You have proven to us that you are here to help. But if you ever lay a finger on Buffy in any disgusting way, I will plunge a stake into your heart."

Spike chuckled.

"Tell me where Buffy is, and I'll leave you in peace."

"Why do you want to know where she is?" Willow asked.

"To help her, of course. That's what I do now, Red. I'm part of the good guys now." He smirked at her and gave her a small wink.

Willow sighed and shook her head. Then, she pointed to the stairs and raised her eyebrows, indicating that she was upstairs.

Spike nodded at her and headed up the stairs, giving the Scooby gang a random thumbs up, to send some positivity to the group.

He found her crying, curled up on the floor, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, as if she thought that could protect herself. It hurt Spike to see her in this much pain and sorrow. And it also surprised him, he never knew how truly damaged and broken she would be. He noticed her untidy dirty blonde hair, her pale skin, and her skeletal body.

He shook his head in pity. He kneeled in front of Buffy and gave her a small smile. He wanted to see her eyes. Why did Xander sound so afraid of them? What was so bad about her eyes compared to everything else that's bad about her?

And then he knew the answer to why.

Spike was scared.

Her eyes scared him.

Could she really be saved, if she was that empty inside?

Something stirred inside of him, something that he forgot about until that moment. They were missing one person.

Dawn.

What would she think? What would she do?

What would Buffy do?


End file.
